The REAL Reason the 'Coldplay Kiss Cam Calamity' is Resonating so Deeply
And Don't We All Have a Little 'Schadenfreude?'
Unless you live under a social media rock, you’ve certainly heard about what I am calling The Coldplay Kiss Cam Calamity. If you are a person who ardently avoids fluff pop culture, here is a recap. A snuggly couple was caught swaying in each other’s arms on the Kiss Cam Jumbotron at a Coldplay concert in Boston last week. When the couple realized they were on the big screen, the woman covered her face and the man abruptly ducked out of view. Lead singer Chris Martin quipped “they are either having an affair or they are very shy.” It turns out he was correct about the affair. Astronomy CEO Andy Byron (married to someone else) and his (ironically) HR Manager Kristin Cabot were caught in an embrace that was about to change their lives. Byron has since stepped down as CEO of Astronomy and Cabot has been relieved of her duties.
Not surprisingly, memes started circulating almost immediately. Many of them are clever; and I must admit, as a sex therapist and couples counselor who specializes in infidelity, even I found myself chuckling a bit.
So why is there such wild interest in this sensational calamity? I can answer that in one word—"Schadenfreude.” Schadenfreude is a German word with no English equivalent; and it basically means deriving pleasure from another person's misfortune. Schadenfreude is a human emotion that most people are reticent to own. Only sickos get pleasure from other people’s pain, right? Well, actually, no. It’s much more common than you might think. And it’s manifesting in spades regarding this unfortunate kiss cam calamity.
Why else do I think there is such fervent interest in this ‘Gotcha Moment?’ Well, for starters, I think the public nature of this spectacle made it irresistible. It’s like “rubbernecking” past a terrible accident on the highway. You just can’t look away. People love a good ‘bust,’ especially if the ‘bustee’ is rich or famous. And rich Andy Byron is.
But I think there is a deeper reason why the Internet (and America at large) is so titillated by this particular event. I think millions of people are rethinking their affair behavior. They are thinking, “Damn, that could have been me or my spouse caught on that camera.” It hits close to home for too many people who are either actively involved in an affair, are contemplating having an affair, or had an affair in the past.” It is also triggering tough memories of being cheated on; and the devastating emotional pain that followed.
Reactions to this story have been varied, but are mostly pithy and righteous. “Play Stupid Games, Win Stupid Prizes,” “Those are the most expensive concert tickets he will ever buy,” and “It takes Two to Tango” are just some of the comments from the ‘you-get-what-you-deserve-camp.’ America loves a good ‘comeuppance.’
I’ve treated celebrities and rock stars here in Los Angeles whose marital woes and cheating scandals have become public. I promise you, the fodder for late-night talk show hosts and tabloids rips apart real families with real children…and it’s not pretty. As we all enjoy the spectacle that has come from this ill-fated evening for two affair partners, please know that I hear about the children who start cutting or abusing drugs or develop suicidal ideation after their parents’ affairs become public. Especially if they are famous. I see kids being transferred to different schools or out of state schools to avoid the humiliation of their mom or dad’s adultery.
I’m here to say, even in spite of enjoying some of the more creative comments on social media, this is a tragedy for everyone involved. Shame is an extremely powerful emotion. I spend much of my days discussing shame with patients. Shame about their sexual history, their sexual fantasies, their cheating, their lying. The stakes are high. And the pain is incalculable.
Americans can’t help wishing they could have been a ‘fly-on-the-wall’ when Byron and Cabot returned home to their respective partners. Well, think of me as a professional ‘fly-on-the-wall’ who helps couples pick up the pieces after an intimate betrayal. Many couples call it quits upon discovery. Others work extremely hard to rebuild trust and repair the emotional breach. Although infidelity is excruciating to recover from, it can be done with proper therapeutic support and a true commitment to grow and evolve. Where will the affected parties in this particular scandal end up?
Only time will tell.
My take on this is that people, in general, are sick of the hypocrisy. Most of us who have worked in corporate environments have had to endure insipid sexual harassment training and employee handbook codes of conduct handed down by HR and the C-level executives, so the irony of catching the CEO with his HR sidepiece is just too rich. I also think there’s a hubris among the rich and powerful who think they are immune to consequences. Eh, not so much.
We’re in the midst of a time in the US right now where we see one privileged white man after another do bad things and not be punished. And so the schadenfreude - that finally, one of these guys is suffering the consequences of his careless, unethical, and self-serving behavior.
I’ve seen the fallout from a situation very much like this one up close and yes, it was awful. I was in fact this morning thinking of what happened afterward in the homes of both of these two when they had to confront their spouses and children. Just a horrible, heartbreaking time for all involved. I don’t take pleasure in that at all.
Will some good come of this? Perhaps we can say that Astronaut, the company these two worked for, has been freed from a couple of unethical and irresponsible corporate leaders. And the families freed from a couple of very selfish spouses/parents. I wish all good luck moving forward.